Faked Valentines And Now For The Real Valentines
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: What if some of the Total Drama couples were faked in order to cover up some real couples? Creepy Chris, everyone's favourite perverted host, is on the case. Oneshot containing femslash and slash.


**This is my story for Valentine's Day. This is a tribute to I'll Cover Angels and Collins. It is about Creepy Chris, so if you are squeamish, the back button is there to save the day. It also contains both femslash and slash.**

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><p>Faked Valentines – And Now For The Real Valentines<p>

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><p>Chris looked to his left.<p>

Chris looked to his right.

Nobody was insight. He grabbed the gutter and climbed. Leaning against the sill of the two-storey window, Chris opened up the window and climbed in.

He was in Duncan's room

You see, it was Valentine's Day. Chris had no Valentine, which is pretty obvious to say the least. He needed one fast. He was not going to be lonely. He heard that Duncan's relationships with Courtney and Gwen were faked because they wanted to cover up the fact that they were homosexuals. Now it was time for the host with the most - or should I say the host with nothing – to shine.

Chris took off all his clothes and sprawled himself on Duncan's bed and waited.

All of a sudden, there was the sound of the front door opening up, followed by footsteps and Duncan's voice. By the sound and tone of the voice, Duncan was being hospitable. He must have brought a boyfriend.

Ah well, thought Chris, shrugging. The more the merrier.

Then Duncan entered the room. He gasped and his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates in complete horror.

"CHRIS, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?" Duncan finally demanded, after minutes of being profoundly choked up.

"Waiting for a three-way that involves you, possibly Trent and, of course..." Chris paused to beckon to himself, flashing his signature toothy grin.

Duncan was livid. "Like Hell I'd shift you!" snapped Duncan. "And why would I date Trent! He's with Cody!"

"Oh, so Cody and Trent were only faking their crushes with Gwen?" asked Chris.

"Well DUH!" groaned Duncan. "That's what homophobia those to people! And in case you are wondering what happened to Sierra, she faked being Cody's stalker! She and Izzy are actually kidnapping Blaineley constantly and forcing her into three-ways!"

"Oh," said Chris, confused. "So ya wanna make out?"

Duncan had had enough.

"CHEF!" he called out.

Heavy footsteps sounded. Chef barged into the room.

"HANG ON A SEC!" Chris finally exploded. "Of all people, you are dating CHEF?"

"Yes," replied Duncan. "Apparently, my time in juvie has paid off. People are too terrified to rape or seduce me, so the authorities don't need to be worried that I'm dating Chef Hatchet. He's the perfect man for me. Besides, I'm eighteen going on nineteen now."

"Plus, he's eighty years younger than you!" growled Chef, glaring at Chris for breaking into his young, boyfriend's room.

That was a fact. Chris was in fact ninety-eight going on ninety-nine. Chef, on the other hand, was in his early forties. It also turns out that Duncan and Chef faked their conflict that was frequent in the course of the first three seasons of _Total Drama series_. Then Chef reduced his hands to fists and bellowed:

"Now FUCK OFF!"

And with that, Chef seized Chris by the neck and threw him out the window. Chris landed on his nape on the ground outside, with a loud crunch.

Meanwhile, Courtney and Gwen were in a nude sauna at some nearby health and fitness centre. Courtney was positioned over Gwen's lap, and both girls were utterly naked. They were French kissing so bad their mouths were saturated with each other's spit.

"Oh Gwen, all that pretending to be bitchy and depressing and straight was worth it!" beamed Courtney.

"Agreed," Gwen beamed back. "Now let's have sex on it!"

And in the nude steam room that was next door to the nude sauna, a naked Blaineley was at the door on her belly, begging for mercy. A naked Sierra and a naked Izzy grabbed hold of a leg each, dragging Blaineley back in.

"Oh, no you don't, Mildred!" Izzy chuckled.

"The fun has just begun!" Sierra smirked.

"HEEEELLLLPPP!" shrieked Blaineley, as she was dragged back into the nude steam room and the door closed behind her.

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><p><strong>I hope you all enjoyed it. Even though I prefer the sauna, I certainly would love to have been in the steam room at the time. Then again, Sierra and Izzy are lesbians in this fic. Sorry if it creeped you out a bit, but this fic was for I'll Cover Angels and Collins, a creepy Chris fan. Besides, I like to make all of the characters creepy. At least I didn't cut into the lemons. That's for your imagination to decide. Now I have to go write a fic for another fandom before Valentine's Day is over.<strong>

**HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!**


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